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Archive for the ‘ Columns ’ Category

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Was David Bowie An Alien?

May 31st, 2018

Ever wonder what music made by an extraterrestrial might sound like? Apparently, kind of like this: “Let’s dance put on your red shoes and dance the blues…”   Which, if you play it backwards, sounds like this:   “Dance let’s shoes red your on put blues the dance and laser beam cattle rectums. . . ’’   Amazing how that works, isn’t it? And you thought only Selena Gomez wrote about laser beaming cattle rectums, didn’t you? Little did you know . . . Anyway, of course, the song I’m talking about is “Let’s Dance,” by Alf. Well, no, it’s... Read More

Are Celebrities Zombies Programmed To Distract Us?

May 24th, 2018

The Royal Wedding! Selena dating Jen’s ex! Kanye West says something stupid! Ever notice that the more heinous things get regarding the economy, wars, presidential scandals, etc., the more intensely the media ignores the real news to concentrate on either celebrity scandals or deviant crimes? Sometimes I wonder if there’s a grand conspiracy regarding celebrities as well. What if celebrities are nothing but programmed Manchurian candidates, Stepford performers, who are hypnotized and controlled by secret government handlers who then program them to do silly crap to distract the masses every... Read More

A**-Kicking ‘Deadpool 2’ Is F***in’ Awesome

May 19th, 2018

If you’re anywhere near remotely offended by the implied asterisks in that headline, you should stay far away from “Deadpool 2,” a raunchy, hilarious and absolutely brilliant thrill-ride of a movie which rivals and in many ways surpasses the first film and likewise rivals and largely surpasses anything else in the Marvel film canon. “Deadpool 2” is riotously funny and stylish, action-packed and wonderfully executed. In fact, it’s so good that once it was over, I couldn’t wait to see it again. And I’m not just saying that because Ryan Reynolds sent me a check in the mail along with... Read More

Why Do So Many Blues Musicians Have The Nickname “Little?”

May 17th, 2018

You’ve heard the expression, ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer. Well, ask several stupid questions, and get several stupider answers. Case in point: Q: Why do so many blues musicians, like Little Milton, etc., have the nickname “Little?” A: Because many blues musicians are descended from Oompa-Loompas. Blues music actually began with Oompa chocolate workers singing improvised spirituals bemoaning the harsh, sweatshop-like conditions in Willy Wonka’s factory, or as many of the Loopa bluesmen tagged it, “Stickyfingers Hell.” Some of the early pioneers of the artform, Little Willy... Read More

‘A Quiet Place’ Is Terrifically Frightening

April 6th, 2018

A Quiet Place stars John Krasinski and Emily Blunt as husband and wife and parents of three kids in a post-apocalyptic Midwestern America. We meet the family 89 days into this seeming apocalypse as they are gathering supplies in the dusty remains of a pharmacy. One of the kids is sick but the bigger issue is the youngest son who has set his eyes upon a battery powered toy rocket. Why is the toy rocket a big deal? In this apocalypse, sound is your greatest enemy. The slightest hint of noise can bring the arrival of nasty, assumedly alien, beasts that strike quickly and kill mercilessly. When the... Read More

Make ‘Room’ For Wonderfully Awful ‘Best F(r)iends’

March 28th, 2018

“If it weren’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college” – Lewis Black This brilliant non-sequitur line from comedian Lewis Black ran through my head more than once during the duration of “Best F(r)iends,” the new collaboration from “The Room” co-stars Tommy Wiseau and Greg Sestero. Where Mr. Black’s non-sequitur was the result of a brilliantly orchestrated anecdote, one which contained a beginning, middle and an end, “Best F(r)iends” plays like one, unending, logic free gag that lasts nearly two hours. Written by Sestero, “Best F(r)iends” stars Tommy... Read More

Reynolds Is Phenomenal In ‘Last Movie Star’

March 28th, 2018

The Last Movie Star turns a bold and daring eye on an aging Burt Reynolds and never looks away. Writer-Director Adam Rifkin has crafted a tribute to the movie star Burt Reynolds and a deconstruction of the actor and person Burt Reynolds. It’s a strange and fascinating piece that is equal parts funny, emotional and sit-comic. Reynolds is rather incredible throughout even as the direction lets him down here and there. Vic Edwards (Reynolds) was once the biggest movie star in the world. That was a long time ago. Today, Vic is a lonely has been in a large house whose dog just died. No, lie the opening... Read More

‘Pacific Rim Uprising’ Could Use A Little Humor

March 27th, 2018

Pacific Rim is from that part of Oscar winning director Guillermo Del Toro that we’ve all agreed to ignore, alongside the Hellboy movies and Mimic. It’s not that Pacific Rim is bad; rather that it is a tad undignified compared to the awards caliber work he gave us before moving to Hollywood and now his Oscar winning triumph, The Shape of Water. It will always be better to remember the visionary work of Pan’s Labyrinth and ignoring the time he played with his toys on a multi-multi-multi-million dollar budget. Pacific Rim Uprising is, no surprise, not directed by Del Toro as he was distracted... Read More

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